Moving on from heartbreak

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slot_machine#/media/File:Las_Vegas_slot_machines.jpg

Academia is replete with failures with occasional high dosage rewards. This is not dissimilar to the strategy used in casinos to keep people addicted to the game. The DBT-India Alliance decision to me was a shocker given the feedback I got during the interview. The panel concluded with the following words "Your proposal is sound for the most part, we just have a few final comments" and proceeded to give me advice on my IRB application template and consent forms that I had sent them. During the interview, I had accidentally drawn on the projector screen instead of the white board, so when I said my goodbyes to them, I apologized once again for drawing on the projector screen and the chair of the panel replied "Don't worry, we will take it out of your fellowship". Everybody laughed, I thanked them once again, and left the room feeling quite happy about how everything went. 

I told my family that this was the only time I had ever felt optimistic about something and that if the decision was negative, I would think that the panel went out of their way to be cruel, after giving me mostly positive feedback. Unfortunately, that is exactly how it transpired. Now, one can only speculate as to why and how something like this could have happened. Suffice it to say that there are often reasons beyond the science behind such decisions. Whatever those reasons are, looking at the final list of awardees, I can say that they are all deserving winners and the competition this time must have been high enough that the panel must not have anticipated having to adjudicate between some high quality options this time. So while I continue to be disappointed about how the whole thing transpired and wish that they would have been a bit less positive in their feedback during the interview so as to not give people false hopes, I will move on and get my science done one way or the other. 

The grant is fairly well-written due to the sheer efforts I put into it with tons of feedback from colleagues and mentors. It is fairly easy to break it up into a couple of grants for future submissions. I also have fairly detailed reviews from 3 expert reviewers which will help me improve several aspects of the proposal. While the other grant mechanisms in India are not as flexible and big (I had asked for 2.9 Cr, including money for a high density EEG w/ eyetracking equipment), I can get the work done through smaller grants and collaborating with my friends and colleagues at IIT Gn and NBRC for data collection when needed. So, while the rejection felt catastrophic in the moment, a mentor of mine told me that it could even be a blessing in disguise as it might force me to go more computational, leveraging open datasets, rather than spending a lot of time and energy on new data collection. Perhaps the committee saw this possibility (in a generous interpretation of their actions and decision). 

So, it is time to move on and take stock of an otherwise productive and successful year for a new-ish research lab set up within the constraints of the Indian funding scenario. I will reflect on how 2023 went for the lab and what's coming up in 2024 in the next post.